Becoming the Stay At Home Mom

     I had taken a medical leave from my job teaching 4th grade in order to care for my dad. He had been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and needed all around care as he received treatments and neared the end of his life. I taught elementary school for 12 years in the same school district that we live in. After my dad passed on, there was his home and estate to attend to out of state, and I was devastated by his death. So I did not return to teaching that school year. During that precious time with my dad, we had many talks about the past and the future and my ideas about what I thought my life ahead would be like quickly began to change. My priorities became more clear, and the things I had focused on each and every moment of my dad while at work in the schools began to change. As many in the teaching profession can tell you, it's not been a good place to be lately. I felt the focus (kids) was being lost to data, scores, paperwork and meetings. My free time was less nourishing to my soul because I wasn't able to let go of thoughts of work and it's pressures. When I was home, my head was at school. When I was at school, my thoughts were about all that I wasn't getting done at home and all I was missing with my kids and my husband. I was feeling----lost.
    So after much discussion and praying, we decided that after 12 years of teaching, I would quit my job and become a....."Stay At Home Mom".  It was a great decision. But not an easy decision. And since that time, not an easy transition. It's been two years since my dad died and I am still trying to figure out this new "hat" I am wearing. The "mom walks you to the bus" hat. The "oh you don't work so you can volunteer for this right?" hat. The "I'm going to get myself organized" hat. The "wait for the kids at the school flagpole with the other  moms" hat.  Lots of new hats.
     The best part of being home is definitely being able to give myself to my kids. It is a total blessing to have this weight off of my shoulders and I am grateful each and every day for my husband's job allowing us the financial freedom to be able to do it. I am not unaware of so many friends that wish they could do the same. But this new hat is taking some getting used to for sure.

racing through the weekend

This weekend was one of those weekends that just wipes you out. There was so much planned, activities with our family...as well as things unplanned that I just feel so grateful for today, Monday, so I can stop.  Don't get me wrong, I had a fantastic time with my family this weekend, but I am really wiped out from racing through it all!

Starting with Friday: The kids had no school due to a Teacher Institute Day. I decided to take them to the zoo! It was such an odd experience to be at Brookfield during winter weather without other people there. We usually go at night for the Holiday Lights at Christmas, but this was amazing and I highly recommend it to everyone. We parked the van and I was car number 12. Yep, that's it. 12 cars in the parking lot!  There were times we just didn't see ANYONE else and walked through exhibit houses without anyone else except zookeepers who were only too happy to talk to my kids and I about the animals. We were also able to observe animals playing in the snow, wrestling with each other, and chasing prey through their environment. Watching the wolves run together as a pack was downright creepy and amazing!   We were able to take our time and never once got pushed, shoved, or had to wait in line to see something we wanted to see. And we took all the time we wanted at each exhibit. The QUIET was so strange and very good. We were also able to spend time with a newborn giraffe and wait quietly for another to have her  baby. No baby came yet, but was expected to deliver by yesterday. Watch the news!

Saturday brought Adam's STEM class at NIU. He spent the morning constructing a Popsicle stick bridge with a team. Next time, they will break the bridges to find out how  much weight each can support. They had to use a variety of engineering skills to build the strongest bridge. He's so excited to see what happens to it!

Late that afternoon, Mark took us to Johnson's Mound in Elburn to join a forest preserve program. They showed us how to tap maple trees using a spiel to collect the sap used to make maple syrup  It was a beautiful sunny day and we enjoyed spending it outside. But we really enjoyed watching them cook the sap over the campfire and then sampling the syrup! Yum! The newspaper was there. Here's the article from the Chronicle and picture about the whole program. You can see Adam's coat sleeve! :)

Saturday came to a close with delivering Girl Scout Cookies (which means a chance to catch up with the neighbors) and finding that our oven has finally bit the dust! So our yummy dinner get put into the fridge and a pizza was order quickly.

Sunday was  Adam's big District Pinewood Derby race in Oswego. He was Grand Champion from our pack, beating over 140 cars. Sunday's race wasn't as successful and he didn't place at all. But he had a great time and it was exciting to participate in a different race. He did get a participation trophy because going to district is a big deal! AND it all took place in my old junior high building...Traughber Junior High. Very surreal for me!

We wrapped up our Sunday by shopping for a new stove. And a miracle happened...we fell into a deal! Not just a good sale, but a ridiculous, once in a lifetime, too good to be true, can't pass it up, "make you an offer you can't refuse" deal. So we took it. And now my kitchen will feel like a new one. Can't wait to bake!  But for now, I need to rest a little. It's been a busy weekend and I need to slow down from the race.

apples and trees

All my life I've been told that I look just like my mother, that my mannerisms and facial expressions are so much like her. People I don't even know come up to us when we're out together and comment "well there's no question whose daughter YOU are!" I take that as a compliment in that my mother is lovely and kind. 

Recently though, I've been able to find more similarities between my dad and I because I was blessed to have him with us at our home. Over the summer as I traveled east to his home in PA, we had a lot of time to talk and reminisce and muse about the future. Being diagnosed with cancer contributed to his musings; he knew his time was shorter than we all planned it to be. He knew that he didn't have a lot of time to do and see all he wanted to.So we talked, rambled, looked deeply at things. We watched for little joys in the day; like the deer that wandered into his yard daily and the hummingbird that flew to his new feeder moments after we hung it up. We looked at the kids playing in the yard and marveled at their creativity and intelligence at work. We laughed together at old pictures and knew how important it is to take those pictures to save the stories that we might forget later on. I save those moments too. I write them down and cherish the stories. We walked around the lake near his house. One day we went together, another day with my own kids, and it was bittersweet to me that we wouldn't continue to do this with him. I will continue to take my kids to the forest preserves, lakes, camping, hiking and show them the beauty of outdoors...but it will be without my dad walking with us. He knew it was important to teach kids about the names of animals and trees. To notice the difference in bird calls and leaf patterns and fish that you catch (and release). Mark and I will keep that going. 

As a teacher, I know the importance of education. But I know that and feel it in my bones because my dad taught it to me. He wanted us all to do our best and get an education. He saved and worked hard to make sure we had our shot to go to college. I blew my opportunity from him and disappointed him to the heart, I'm very sure of that. But I worked hard later and graduated from college because I WANTED it. And I know he was proud of that later. I know he was proud of ME. I'm glad he saw me graduate and do something with my education. I'm glad he knew it worked out in the end and I learned from my mistakes. Because we're both pretty stubborn. If there is an idea in our heads, we aren't going to let it go lightly. It really is impossible not to look at my own kids and how we parent them, when going through all the old pictures and hearing the stories from my aunts about Dad's childhood and growing up. As we planned his memorial, the stories flowed, as they often do, and Dad's sisters told stories of how he picked on them, defended them, got into trouble, saved the day, worked and was lazy. I loved watching their faces as they told the stories. He was protective of his sisters, like Adam to Lucy, but also tormented them because that's his right as the brother! Love it!
                                                         My dad died on November 9, 2012.
 One month before his 67th birthday. I was there, alonge with his sisters and our immediate family, when he left this life and walked home with Jesus. I watched the light leave his eyes, and the pain leave his face. I remembered every single time I knew I disappointed him and a few times I managed to make him proud. I know that he wanted to do much, much more with us, but our time and God's time runs very differently. Dad told me that I shouldn't wait forever to do the things I really can do now. He told me to love and hold on to my kids, to respect and care for my husband, to be a strong wife and mother. He told me to be sensitive to them and be careful with my words. Words can hurt. So I'm trying Dad. I'm trying to do that. So that I can be what you modeled for us, and learn from your mistakes too. People often use the phrase "apples and trees" -usually while rolling our eyes a bit- to compare children to their parents. I hope I CAN follow what Dad told me. Because it would be an honor to have someone say "apples and trees" when they look at me, and think of my dad. He was a good man, strong parent and I feel confident that on his walk Home, he was told "well done my good and faithful servant". Miss you Dad.

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tests

This has been a week filled with tests for me. At work, my students are in the midst of taking our state standardized tests. This is a hard week for them, and for the teachers who have worked all year long to teach them and guide them. In the months leading up to THE TEST, teachers prep students for this type of test, the type they are not used to. Grownups remember them...fill in the bubble, erase your answer completely if you wish to change it, use a #2 pencil. The kids have been stressed, but we do plan fun stress-relievers to help them get through the hours of quiet and silent sitting and my "fake teacher voice" as I read the state-issued script. Real life doesn't offer too many clear directions as the ISAT tests do. I have not found any script for how to answer my son's questions about why his teacher hasn't chosen him as Star Student yet, or why yet another fish has died in his aquarium. I see no ability to "erase completely" when I catch myself participating in gossip sessions that may not end up harmless or snapping at my 3 year old when I'm crabby. These are daily tests for me: Patience, and obedience. My DH has been tested quite a bit this past few months trying to balance home time, work challenges, his brother's needs and all that we're doing to get mom's house ready to sell. Another test. Another balancing act. However, despite all our daily tests and stresses, we really have so little to complain about. We have our jobs, but many of my friends are losing theirs next week. We have our house, so many around our town have had to sell theirs. We have good friends and this weekend we celebrate our baby's 3rd birthday. (that's another blog!) So for tonight, I won't worry about how to prep for my next test, but I'll be taking comfort in knowing that I can pray, ask God to help me, kiss my husband and babies good night, get a good night's sleep, and start over tomorrow with my #2 pencil and a new answer sheet. :)